A few years back my sister passed away, I’m now the only child my parents have left. They live a few hours away and have for as long as I have been with my partner (7 years).
My parents are planning on moving to the place we now live to be closer to me. This has my partner worried that they will be over often or I will be over at their house more often. Her parents are very far away so can only visit once a year.
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week.
We are both pretty private people so not having anyone over is just how we are and this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
I am also fine with them not coming over often, I like it being just me and her but I do want my parents close when they have medical emergencies.
How do I approach this as currently she is a bit annoyed but taking a more “see how this pans out” attitude?
I don’t exactly want to jump the gun and talk to my parents ahead of time to make sure they don’t come over often because I don’t think they will and it might sour their relationship to her if they think she doesn’t want them over ever, even if I also don’t want them over often.
Look, I’m not a family-oriented person, but the following sentences strike me as strange:
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week […] this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
Why would your privacy suddenly vanish when they only visit once or twice a month? Lol. Agree with the comments who want more context; does she have issues with your family, etc.? Maybe you have two different views of your family that’s clashing. Just thought the abovementioned quote sounded weird.
I understand she wants freedom in a house she lives in.
But if you go to visit your parents it is not of her concern. She can not get both.
She might be worried about some fantasy she has, but it might not be too bad in the end.
I am in this situation. My parther is close (physically and emotionally) to her family and I wouldn’t want them visiting. But I am happy for her (without me) to go.
Problem arises when she wants me to go too and that’s where fight starts. Either eight away or after visit, wether I go or not.
No advice, just my experience.
Before your parents go to great expense to move, have a sit down and talk with them about this. Make sure everyone involved knows what to expect beforehand.
If they move and things aren’t what they expect, it will sour everyone’s relationship much more
This was something I recommend fully, OP I had to do the same with my mother moving out. I forced her to think about hard questions like
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What if we decide to move away (my partner and I)? Will you stay in your new home? Would you even be able to afford to move again? What if we left and you didn’t even like it there, after all we moved because we liked it.
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What if you don’t like it? Is being near me enough to justify living somewhere you don’t like?
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You will not be close to your friends and family anymore, which means missing some time critical things. (Think elderly family members, if we got the word it’s now a 5 hour flight plus a lot of driving). Are you sure you’re okay with that?
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(Important for OP) You will not have a key to our place, and we will not have an open door policy. We do have our own lives and our own friends, and it won’t be like when I was growing up where you could see me whenever you wanted. You’ll still have to call and schedule time with us. Does that change how you view this?
Ultimately she decided she was okay with those, but OP come up with a list of these, and have the hard conversation.
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Move further.
(Ï didn’t read the post)
I don’t have anything to add to help you, the other commenters already handled it.
However what I wanted to say, I’m each time baffled anew how people can’t just talk about their issues with each other. I’m glad I filtered out everyone not able to do that long ago.
This might sound crazy, but have you tried talking to your partner and parents? Just in case you know, you have some similar opinions or something. Not that I would know, I never talk to people.
I have talked with my parents and they have said they aren’t going to come over unannounced.
I am a private person likely because they are private people and the thought of showing up at someone house without being invited is very much something that never happened growing up. I only kinda accept my best friend doing it and he would still call an hour ahead of time to let me know he was in the area. Now he is a 6 hour drive away so he would probably give me more notice now.
I think she is worried because my mom and dad are grieving but I don’t think they are going to change their social courtesies because of it. They are moving closer because if something happens to my dad they don’t want me driving hours to get to see him like in the past.
Stop thinking and assuming and talk that shit out with her to understand why it really worries her. If you’re not honest with each other then that shit isn’t gonna work man
Why is this partner of seven years just a partner and not a spouse?
Taxes.
What are the tax benefits to getting married if you aren’t having kids?
We are common lawish.
It depends on how close your wages are. If you both earn the same, it will be nothing. If one of you earns more than the other, you might end up in a lower tax bracket.
From personal experience I see this as a red flag. If you are close with your family your partner should want to have a relationship with them too. Having them closer should be seen as a good thing.
