Some opinions as someone who has been on the other side of this:
Recognize that if she decides to not divorce you, from now on, no matter what you do, how much of a new leaf you turn, etc., there will always be at least a little bit of doubt about you. That feeling when you find out you’ve been cheated on by a long-term partner never quite goes away - it gets smaller and less nagging, but never completely disappears. If you want to stay with your wife, you’re gonna have to accept this.
My discovery happened almost a decade ago. I would have been well within my rights to dump her ass and never talk to her again, but I didn’t. I thought it was at least worth trying to stick around and see if we could work things out before doing that, given we made that whole “till death do we part” oath and were still breathing. She was not owed this - I did that for me. Things are better, and we are in a much, much better place than we were. Still, this pops to mind at least once a day, and has every day since it happened.
Go see a couple’s therapist yesterday - first, to create a venue where she can express her feelings about all of this, what she wants to do, and what she needs; next to start having an open, 100% honest discussion about where your head is at and behaviours, and finally to start shopping tools for completely transparent communication going forward. Treat this seriously and pay fucking close attention.
Follow this up with some therapy for yourself - very few people choose to cheat because they’re loving life. Start identifying where you need to work your own shit out. Again, take this deadly seriously. Encourage her to do the same.
100%, no exceptions, complete and utter honesty and transparency going forward. She wants to see your phone? Hand it over. She wants to know where you’re going/what you’re doing? Tell her, with proof. She wants you to have a tracking app? You download that shit. She wants the nastiest details about what the hell happened? Do warn her you’re concerned it will hurt even more, but if she wants to hear it anyway you tell her. By dint of your actions, you’ve lost your right to both be in the relationship and keep a self-defined level of privacy - if you don’t like it, start looking at divorce. If you two start healing, the need for this kind if stuff may start to diminish as the level of trust comes back up.
Check in with her, often. How she’s feeling, what she needs, etc. Pay attention, respect it even if it involves something that may hurt you emotionally. Do NOT throw shit in her face - keep in mind, YOU’RE the one who fucked up, and who now wants to move on with her as your partner. She just discovered her husband did one of the shittiest things a spouse can do to someone they claim to love. It’s a very different experience.
You could do everything right, do all the therapy, open communication, working on yourself and the relationship you want. If she decides that she can’t do it, she can’t. Recognize this. Accept this. She doesn’t owe you shit.
Not gonna lie to you man - you have a tough row to hoe. I will say, with time and a shit ton of work, it’s possible to remain together, and both of you be happy about it. But there will now always be a pre-cheating and post-cheating division when thinking about your marriage. The goal, if you are remaining together, is to build something much better and stronger than what you had before. That may happen, that may not. But putting the work in gives the greatest probability of success.
Best of luck to you - seriously, you fucked up, and fucked up BIG, but we are all human, and therefore liable to fuck up. No matter what the outcome of all this is, learn from it and grow.
I wrote something a little while back on here, in many ways related to this, that I still take to heart. Hope anyone reading this and relating can take something from it, so I think it’s worth sharing again.
Genuine sorrow hurts, but my god if it isn’t a fascinating and powerful state. It’s 100% transformative, in a good way, if you allow it to be. Sorrow and the journey back, imo, is a vital trial in human development, all the more interesting because it’s truly universal. The risk is so hardening yourself against pain that it’s detrimental, the prize is a deeper capacity for empathy.
To love, and to lose, and to find your way back to love again - it doesn’t feel this way in the slough of despond, but on the other end and with some time it’s a beautiful thing.
Good luck on your journey. Real life is messy and everyone has their own unique challenges navigating it. Sounds like you are a very mature individual.
Kudos for trying to stay in the marriage. Not because of the oath, but for yourself. I can imagine that the hurt must have been immense and that the temptation to leave and start fresh was big.
When I was younger this was black and white for me. As I have grown older I have realized that life is not that simple. I have been fortunate enough to not experience this myself, but after a relationship for 11 years I can understand why people stay after cheating.
It’s so easy for someone to say that it is black and white on social media. You see it all the time with all sorts of things related to relationships and human behaviour.
Having your perspective in this is really valuable, thanks for sharing.
Thank you. It was certainly not an easy decision, but I like to think it was right one. Even if our relationship ultimately ended, at least I would be able to tell myself that I tried. Luckily, we tried - imperfectly, uncomfortably - and we’re still here.
So, my partner of 5 years cheated on me when I was away to see friends, we had an argument just before I left, I was exhausted and my friend offered for me to come stay with them, they could clearly see I was suffering. I just needed some space from the situation and to see some friends.
I was only away for 3 days and made sure I would return the day before our anniversary.
She went out the night before I came home, went to a bar and got picked up, took them back to our place and fucked.
I only found out because I had a weird feeling about something I couldn’t put my finger on. I checked her laptop and her whatsapp through there. There was archived messages showing she messaged the guy in the morning saying you left your x item of clothing and then also asking “did you finish, I’m wet down there.” He said no, but when I confronted her she said they wore a condom. This was a lie as I got a STI that same week. But she still claims they did.
I went to therapy 2 times a week after that, I wanted to make it work. The therapist recommended time apart as she put it, we were codependent and we have a Dad/Daughter dynamic that’s imbalanced.
We had 1 month off from each other about 2months after the cheating, I still think I need more time. She keeps on saying she loves me, I don’t say it back. She says she’s grown since the time apart but she hasn’t.
How can someone love me when the actions don’t match? I can see clearly since we had the break and got back together the full lack of empathy she has for me.
She’s manipulated me, taken financial advantage of me and worst of all made me feel depressed and suicidal for the first time in my life.
Honestly I don’t think I can continue but I can’t stop feeling responsible for her. Fuck my life.
First, I’m sorry you had to experience this - it’s one of the lowest lows available, and while I may wax poetic about getting on the other side of stuff like this, that doesn’t make it a less shitty place to be.
If you need more time, take that time and do so without any sense of guilt. A month really isn’t that long. I do think it would be worth having a thorough discussion about that, ideally in a safe space like a counselor’s office. The question that I would want to ask is “When you say that you have grown, what exactly do you mean? I don’t see what you are talking about when you say that.” Talk about what you’re seeing re: her actions at this stage, and how that meshes up with her saying she has grown and is doing the self-work she needs to do. Think about what actions you need to see to continue with this, and tell her explicitly. Ask her anything else you feel you need to know at this point - personally, if you need more time I’d explicitly say it will not make a difference re: you taking more time, as it may encourage more honesty in the answers.
After having the discussion, taking more time, and revisiting, you may find she’s taking actions that you need to see. You may not. You may find she’s taking actions, but not enough to actually make you feel like you can continue. You may feel it doesn’t actually make a difference to you. If that’s the case, it is worth considering what you want out of your life and relationships, and if she actually fits into that. Sometimes the best thing really is to go your separate ways - there’s some kinds of growth that’s best accomplished as a single person.
Best of luck - if you want to talk more about this or need an ear, please feel free to shoot me a PM. I’m not always quick to respond, but I will respond. One of the most painful things about this experience is how fucking lonely it can be. If you have good friends in meatspace, lean on them, but I also know can be a bit taboo to talk openly about the feelings that come up depending on your friend dynamic.
Hang in there. Together or apart, it can get better. It may take much longer than you’d like, but better nonetheless.
Hey, I can understand this. If you need more time take it, you are fully in the right to take it as long as you need, because even if you feel responsible for her you hvae much mor responsibility for yourself than for anybody else. I think she is a grown up person and did know what she did at that time.
Some opinions as someone who has been on the other side of this:
My discovery happened almost a decade ago. I would have been well within my rights to dump her ass and never talk to her again, but I didn’t. I thought it was at least worth trying to stick around and see if we could work things out before doing that, given we made that whole “till death do we part” oath and were still breathing. She was not owed this - I did that for me. Things are better, and we are in a much, much better place than we were. Still, this pops to mind at least once a day, and has every day since it happened.
Go see a couple’s therapist yesterday - first, to create a venue where she can express her feelings about all of this, what she wants to do, and what she needs; next to start having an open, 100% honest discussion about where your head is at and behaviours, and finally to start shopping tools for completely transparent communication going forward. Treat this seriously and pay fucking close attention.
Follow this up with some therapy for yourself - very few people choose to cheat because they’re loving life. Start identifying where you need to work your own shit out. Again, take this deadly seriously. Encourage her to do the same.
100%, no exceptions, complete and utter honesty and transparency going forward. She wants to see your phone? Hand it over. She wants to know where you’re going/what you’re doing? Tell her, with proof. She wants you to have a tracking app? You download that shit. She wants the nastiest details about what the hell happened? Do warn her you’re concerned it will hurt even more, but if she wants to hear it anyway you tell her. By dint of your actions, you’ve lost your right to both be in the relationship and keep a self-defined level of privacy - if you don’t like it, start looking at divorce. If you two start healing, the need for this kind if stuff may start to diminish as the level of trust comes back up.
Check in with her, often. How she’s feeling, what she needs, etc. Pay attention, respect it even if it involves something that may hurt you emotionally. Do NOT throw shit in her face - keep in mind, YOU’RE the one who fucked up, and who now wants to move on with her as your partner. She just discovered her husband did one of the shittiest things a spouse can do to someone they claim to love. It’s a very different experience.
You could do everything right, do all the therapy, open communication, working on yourself and the relationship you want. If she decides that she can’t do it, she can’t. Recognize this. Accept this. She doesn’t owe you shit.
Not gonna lie to you man - you have a tough row to hoe. I will say, with time and a shit ton of work, it’s possible to remain together, and both of you be happy about it. But there will now always be a pre-cheating and post-cheating division when thinking about your marriage. The goal, if you are remaining together, is to build something much better and stronger than what you had before. That may happen, that may not. But putting the work in gives the greatest probability of success.
Best of luck to you - seriously, you fucked up, and fucked up BIG, but we are all human, and therefore liable to fuck up. No matter what the outcome of all this is, learn from it and grow.
I never cheated nor have I been cheated on, but this makes so much sense regardless. Well-worded af.
Also I’m sorry the thing happened to you. ❤️
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I wrote something a little while back on here, in many ways related to this, that I still take to heart. Hope anyone reading this and relating can take something from it, so I think it’s worth sharing again.
Good luck on your journey. Real life is messy and everyone has their own unique challenges navigating it. Sounds like you are a very mature individual.
Very profound. Thanks for sharing it.
Kudos for trying to stay in the marriage. Not because of the oath, but for yourself. I can imagine that the hurt must have been immense and that the temptation to leave and start fresh was big.
When I was younger this was black and white for me. As I have grown older I have realized that life is not that simple. I have been fortunate enough to not experience this myself, but after a relationship for 11 years I can understand why people stay after cheating.
It’s so easy for someone to say that it is black and white on social media. You see it all the time with all sorts of things related to relationships and human behaviour.
Having your perspective in this is really valuable, thanks for sharing.
Thank you. It was certainly not an easy decision, but I like to think it was right one. Even if our relationship ultimately ended, at least I would be able to tell myself that I tried. Luckily, we tried - imperfectly, uncomfortably - and we’re still here.
So, my partner of 5 years cheated on me when I was away to see friends, we had an argument just before I left, I was exhausted and my friend offered for me to come stay with them, they could clearly see I was suffering. I just needed some space from the situation and to see some friends.
I was only away for 3 days and made sure I would return the day before our anniversary.
She went out the night before I came home, went to a bar and got picked up, took them back to our place and fucked.
I only found out because I had a weird feeling about something I couldn’t put my finger on. I checked her laptop and her whatsapp through there. There was archived messages showing she messaged the guy in the morning saying you left your x item of clothing and then also asking “did you finish, I’m wet down there.” He said no, but when I confronted her she said they wore a condom. This was a lie as I got a STI that same week. But she still claims they did.
I went to therapy 2 times a week after that, I wanted to make it work. The therapist recommended time apart as she put it, we were codependent and we have a Dad/Daughter dynamic that’s imbalanced.
We had 1 month off from each other about 2months after the cheating, I still think I need more time. She keeps on saying she loves me, I don’t say it back. She says she’s grown since the time apart but she hasn’t.
How can someone love me when the actions don’t match? I can see clearly since we had the break and got back together the full lack of empathy she has for me.
She’s manipulated me, taken financial advantage of me and worst of all made me feel depressed and suicidal for the first time in my life.
Honestly I don’t think I can continue but I can’t stop feeling responsible for her. Fuck my life.
First, I’m sorry you had to experience this - it’s one of the lowest lows available, and while I may wax poetic about getting on the other side of stuff like this, that doesn’t make it a less shitty place to be.
If you need more time, take that time and do so without any sense of guilt. A month really isn’t that long. I do think it would be worth having a thorough discussion about that, ideally in a safe space like a counselor’s office. The question that I would want to ask is “When you say that you have grown, what exactly do you mean? I don’t see what you are talking about when you say that.” Talk about what you’re seeing re: her actions at this stage, and how that meshes up with her saying she has grown and is doing the self-work she needs to do. Think about what actions you need to see to continue with this, and tell her explicitly. Ask her anything else you feel you need to know at this point - personally, if you need more time I’d explicitly say it will not make a difference re: you taking more time, as it may encourage more honesty in the answers.
After having the discussion, taking more time, and revisiting, you may find she’s taking actions that you need to see. You may not. You may find she’s taking actions, but not enough to actually make you feel like you can continue. You may feel it doesn’t actually make a difference to you. If that’s the case, it is worth considering what you want out of your life and relationships, and if she actually fits into that. Sometimes the best thing really is to go your separate ways - there’s some kinds of growth that’s best accomplished as a single person.
Best of luck - if you want to talk more about this or need an ear, please feel free to shoot me a PM. I’m not always quick to respond, but I will respond. One of the most painful things about this experience is how fucking lonely it can be. If you have good friends in meatspace, lean on them, but I also know can be a bit taboo to talk openly about the feelings that come up depending on your friend dynamic.
Hang in there. Together or apart, it can get better. It may take much longer than you’d like, but better nonetheless.
Hey, I can understand this. If you need more time take it, you are fully in the right to take it as long as you need, because even if you feel responsible for her you hvae much mor responsibility for yourself than for anybody else. I think she is a grown up person and did know what she did at that time.
Excellent post. If I’m ever in this situation, I will come back to this.
Wow. I just came here to read the replies, because I have no advice to offer. OP should print yours out. It’s fantastic.
Thank you for the kind words!